America..in my Dreams?

Yesterday I dreamt of America. About me being in America.It was a strange yet an exiting dream.

I live in London, one of the greenest city in the world, and I am happy living there. I have never been to America.I have seen, felt and smelt her in pictures, books and movies. I have heard about her from my friends, colleagues and travellers. She has come to me as a welcoming land of opportunity, who is open to creative and new ideas.

let me say how She came to me. Or rather how I went to her.

I was flying. Not like a mystic bird, but in a craft. As She came closer, first I saw a huge green meadow, with long and wild grasses..perfect setting for a wild romance, like a Bond movie. It was fasinating. Then I saw a big and wild meandering river. Was it The Amazon? or The Mississippi? I do not know. what ever it be, it was big and roaring. I tried to identify the bridge over it..was it The Brooklyn Bridge?I am not so sure.

Then the craft landed. The aerodrome was large and crowded. Soon I was outside the airport and driving a car. The sun-roof was down, it was a lovely summer,- fresh air was felt on my skin..the air smelted nostalgically of mild jasmine..I was driving as well as driven crazy in my dreams.

I was driving past huge cities. I do not remember how many cities I have driven past.

The first city had huge and tall buildings. Modern architecture..well planned and aesthetically built. I saw a lady with a torch, in the middle of an island. I saw the majestic Empire State Building, the lover spot: be it Cary Grant in 'An affair to remmember' or Tom Hanks in 'You have got a mail'. Then did I see two tall towers? Just then I was shaken even in my dreams to see huge roads and fields exibiting bruised marks of bombardment. I fled in terror..

In a blink, I was in some other city. The city was in a frenzy and cheerful mood. It was night-time..the city was lit with festive lights, the juvilious mood of the city set fires in my dreams. There were balloons, festoons and cheering crowd. I saw casinos, bars and restaurants on both the sides of the streets..I could sense, I was in the dreamland..Las Vegas! I entered a casino, started playing, and winning huge bets! Over-enthusiastically, I threw the dice for another round..my heart was throbbing to see the number..what is it?

But in an instant all were gone. there was cloud and mist, and I could see no more. I was back to the reality..sent back from my dreamland with a thud, in a moment.

In my dream, I was missing my camera. And even moments after my dream, I tsk-tsked: I should have had my camera. How silly of me..carrying a camera to capture a dream? nice thing if could happen, I thought!

Now I am wide awake, in true and harsh reality. While writting this line, a lizard gnawed thrice:yes,yes, yes: meaning I am really back in the reality.

Every dream has a meaning, Freud said so. All the dream-analysts say so. And I believe in it too.
nothing can be in our dreams if it was not in our mind sometime, somewhere. Then how do I interprete my dream?

May be I want to be in America: may be for a short stay, for a short while..may be as a tourist: to explore the mystic beauty or as an entrepreneur: to explore the opportunities of the land! what I have known from my dreams is that, I do not know when and how, but I have to visit her..time will tell what dream I dream next, after I am there!

How we write?

Deep in my mind, I always had the ambition..the ambition to be a writer. I have nurtured this thought carefully and secretly, protected it from the glances of the world..cherished the dream of it being fulfilled.But its been three decades of my life..and I have nothing to prove that there is a burning desire:no poems, paragraphs or essays ever written..yet I know, my dream is waiting for me..and its not very far..infact, my journey has just begun.

I have finally found where is my fulfillment..I have found my destiny, and no matter what, I know I will see the end of it.

I should have, by now many writtings. But I have a problem, and the problem is damn serious.
I always wonder: how can we write? I think to write one needs a subject..the funny thing is that, I never find a subject! weird..I think. I try to go to the core of it..and is deep drawn into the dillema..first one finds a subject then write, or writes and the subject automatically is found? I try to solve it..but I feel lost! when I ask people, as what can one write about..they come up with so many subjects..like petty matters at home, in streets, in the world..and it baffles me completely. Well, then there are no dearth of subjects! The only thing you have to do is to put it in black and white! Learning the key-point, I am startled, did not think it is as simple. I am now all set..but then..what to write about? and how, damn-it!

Its not that I have nothing to say..I get so many original-thinking stuffs, while walking, while taking showers;I dream well, see so many new things; I have seen so many people, I am well travelled, I have friends in the nook and corners of the world.I know that I know a lot of things which I want to share with others. The only problem is to get the right path for the start.

When I carefully went over the problem, I can see that I like to talk. Talk to friends regarding my life, my views of the world, regarding any newly read article. I can go on talking..I cant survive without. And also I like to write (?!) letters..read it as e-mails..to friends, my parents..and all my letters were well appreciated in the matter of their presentation, content etc. Then where is the problem in me in writting? I think I now know..its called stage-consciousness..I can go on talking or writting mails, the moment I realise I could produce them as writtings, things fall apart. All my flow are gone, my thoughts no longer move.

I have therefore come to a solution which can save my life. I should transform my talking and chats to writings. I should write as if I am chatting to a friend..without any fear, without any barrier..limitlessly. I have now understood, the subject does not matter, it comes automatically as you start..it then dances upon the fingers for your shelter..the time has come for you now to oblidge the subject, and not the otherwise, as I always thought.

So, now I know how we can write, and knowing so, my journey has started..towards my cherished dream ..towards my ultimate destiny.

Re-creating my own self

I am trying to re-create myself.I am trying to attain a personality which is fantastically better than the present me. For that I am watching all my daily actions with the eyes of a vigillant critic. My every action, every interaction with someone, every spoken words, every thoughts..are all carefully scrutinized, by the Critic Me..and questioned;..are all these actions compatible with the future Me- as I want myself to be? Obviously most of them are not..and after much debate and post-mortem of the behaviour, the Critic Me and Myself come to a common ground..I learn something new..I promise to stick to the newly learnt norm of behaviour.

I consider myself lucky to know the weaknesses in me...and some of them are extremely vital. I am too sentimental; I am a very dependant person..I have to learnt to live independantly;I lack assertiveness..I tend to give way to other people- to people behind me while walking, climbing the stairs, window shopping, chasing a bus seat. I tend to think of other people more often than I think about me.Basically, my priority to myself is seriously lacking.

And then, I need to polish my social behavoiur. I need to be subtle with my words, with my behaviour. I have to bring my talents out..I know my talents well- only the problem is till day I have not really worked hard to bring it out for public display.

Come the next year, it will see a different me...a confident composed person, with a different physical appearance, different attitude and mentality towards life.

These are my 2008 commitments to myself. Bless me God..bless me with the courage to do so.
Amen.